you turned your livingroom into a bong?
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Randomize
