dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
