I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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