please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
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