You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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