i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
