i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
i drank out of a bidet.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
