The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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