If you die in college, do you die in real life?
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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