I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
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I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
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Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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