I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
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