You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
