Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
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So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
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its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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