mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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