Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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