he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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