thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
