yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
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