I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
