saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
