dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Randomize
