so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
