I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
