Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize