Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
