I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
