i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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