at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
