I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Define "chronic" masturbator.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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