but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
