hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
