Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
