Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Randomize
