i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
