like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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