I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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