Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
