Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
