is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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