Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
