This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
My breasts were aching with rage.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
