Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
