I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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