The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Randomize
