my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
