1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Randomize
