Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
