Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
