I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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