I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
