She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
my being single is dangerous.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
