I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
