Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
