well I can't set my house on fire every night
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
