i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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