...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
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