I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
