I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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