he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
